Monthly Archives: August 2009

>Six Queens, Meryl Streep, Daytime Emmys and Design Star


Sunday was chockfulla stuff.

Chockfulla. Not a word. Sue me.

We had made plans to meet our neighbors, David and Neal, and friends, Roger and Thomas, for a late breakfast followed by a movie. It was going to be a hot day in Smallville, so queens, breakfast and a movie seemed like fun. We were going to meet at 11 AM so Carlos and I got the chance to sleep late, and woke up a little after eight [that’s late for us]. I puttered around for a few minutes and by the time I got to the kitchen Carlos had the griddle out and asked if I wanted pancakes.
Pancakes? WTF?
We’re having breakfast in two hours!
Seriously, he was thinking of pancakes as a little something to nibble on before breakfast!
We settled for coffee and juice. And chatting.

It seems a friend of ours bought a new phone and didn’t want his old one. Carlos says to me, Byron wants to know if I want his blueberry.
You read right: Blueberry. ::::sigh:::::

I tell Carlos about a girl at work who is, shall we say, an idiot. She’s been there for months and still acts like it’s her first day. She doesn’t know how to do anything or where we keep anything, and is always demanding, not asking, for help. Well, that dog just won’t hunt. At one point she demanded help and then turned to look at me.

Don’t look at me, I said.

She smiled like that would work.

I said it again, with different emphasis, Seriously, Don’t. Look. At. Me.

I’m all for helping people who need it, but people who refuse to learn their job set me on edge and after a thirty-day probation period, the help ends if the stupidity continues.

Enough of this.

We get ready for the movies. As Carlos is the Queen of the Procrastinators–I’m just a member of the royal court–I told him we were leaving at ten-twenty and if he wasn’t in the car at ten-twenty he could find his own way.

And I would have…….not really…….so he was ready on the dot.
Brunch was fun. Any time you get six queens together with food it’s bound to be enjoyable. There was talk of all things gay: sex, pets…..not sex with pets, please…food, of course, Diana Ross–Thomas didn’t know I’d danced with her and he wanted to touch me inappropriately–and IKEA.

Good food; good friends; good times.

And so, since we’re speaking of good food and good times, let me rave about Julie & Julia starring the divine Meryl Streep. What a wonderful film. Meryl Streep was Julia Child from the opening scene to the closing. She was six feet tall and puffy and round and totally Julia. Amy Adams was also good as Julie, and it was nice to see her and La Streep in a frothy bit of fun after seeing them both in Doubt. There was such a sense of joy and love and laughter in Julie and Julia’s lives that it spilled over into the theater. It was a good fun movie, and La Streep was brilliant, as usual. Loved it. Recommend it. Gonna buy it.

Plus it didn’t hurt that Stanley Tucci was in it. He makes my knickers flutter……..La Tooch!

After the movie, Roger and Thomas and David and Neal headed to Kroger for their grocery shopping while Carlos and I went to the Homo Depot for deck stain and a new mat for the bathtub.

It’s a full life. Don’t hate.

At the Depot I looked at paint colors for the living room. The previous owners had painted it Baby Blue…..light LIGHT LIGHT baby blue above the chair rail and then this striation of blues below the chair rail. Seriously, Chez Smallville was once home To People With No Discernible Sense Of Color And Taste.

And that is changing! Dammit!

I am painting all the trim a lovely satin ivory and ripping down chair rail. Then we’ll do a Frappe or Oatbran on three walls and a dramatic La Fonda Midnight on one loooong ass wall–I love the names of paint colors! Now, to be fair, i allowed Carlos the options of picking color and he hates anything he considers dark, like La Fonda Midnight, let’s say. But he does like blue. And lavender; I put the kibosh on lavender before that got too far.

So Carlos scans the paint samples, talking about what he likes while I keep saying Just pick a color. And he finally settles on a blue he likes. It’s pretty, I say. It’s also the exact same blue that is already on all the walls.

Carlos is done picking color.

At home I showed him my samples and explained the reasoning and how the look would play in the room and he, well, he sighed off on it. That isn’t a misspelling or a Freudian slip. I know what I’m saying, Carlos sighed off on the paint color. But he’ll like it; the forest green dining room scared the Baby Jeebus outta him but he’s come around.

Back home we relaxed for bit as the rains came, with a bit of lightning and thunder. It turned nice after, with the heat moving away and the cool weather settling in. Speaking of settling in, I sat down to watch the Daytime Emmys for the sole purpose of seeing Bree Williamson of One Life To live win the Emmy for playing Jessica, whose husband Nash fell through a skylight and died right after he found out Jessica’s sister was sleeping with a man they all believed to be her uncle. I know. Soaps. But I love me some OLTL. And the scenes Bree payed as her husband lay dying, I thought, were fantastic, and so I wanted her to win.

She didn’t.

I wasn’t happy. I sat through Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil and Erik Estrada and she didn’t win. I sat through a Sesame Street sing-off and she didn’t win. I sat through Tyra Banks, and she didn’t win. Someone else who left her show won.
This should have won:
I would’a Elvis’d the TV but Design Star was next.

Oh, Dan. Cute adorable Dan in his Carnaby Street cap looking all cute adorable Dan.

The challenge this week was to redo a backyard that had been demolished into nothingness. It was a pool, some fences and dirt. Torie says she’ll take the leadership role because she’s done model homes. She’s set up patios. I’m less than impressed.

It’s five minutes into the show and already I know it’s Goodbye Torie. Doesn’t she know the leader almost always gets the boot; it’s written in the rules somewhere I’m sure.

Still, we had drama.

Torie, as leader, doesn’t utter a word as they tour the yard, so Antonio, who is looking more and more Fred Flintstone to me, takes charge. He orders Brontosaurs Burgers for everyone while they brainstorm.

Modern. Zen. Pergola. Playset.

Check. Check. Been there.

But, BUT, as they work to prepare the yard for new sod, it finally happens. the Design Star moment I’ve been tuning in religiously to see: off comes Dan’s shirt. Antonio, whose torso seems to be covered in hair and tattoos from the Bedrock House Of Ink seems annoyed at Dan’s shirtlessness. Annoyed, or slightly turned on, I wonder.

After that moment of beauty which is a joy forever, Torie tells Dan he has five thousand dollars to spend on a pergola, but she apparently, accidentally, stupidly, gives him ten thousand [of their twenty-five thousand dollar budget] and Dan buys a pergola for $10,648.00. I know the exact amount because Torie and Lonnie kept saying it like ti was mantra to get rid of Dan.


Since they are officially over budget, another Design Star first, but not a good one, Clive spots them 5 Big Ones to finish the job.

As they work, Fred, er, Antonio, gives the play by play:

Torie’s in chawge a’da plants.
She’s so pissed at Dan for the Ten K pergola that she’s not merely digging holes to plant the ferns as much as she’s bitchslapping the ground in anger.

Lonnie’s in chawge a’da foiniture.
None of which matches and her placement makes no sense. Two chaises side-by-side and the third pushed away. Lonnie clearly has separation issues.

Dan’s in chawge a’takin’ off his shoit.
Antonio’s in charge of sounding like a jealous queen.

But they finish the yard. The judges don’t really like it. They don’t see zen; hell, Candace doesn’t even see design, she just sees shopping. And they critique the Designtestants hosting abilities.

Antonio comes off as gruff and I get the impression he’d like to be a landscaper so he’d have some place to bury the bodies. Just sayin’.
Torie seemed like a beauty queen until her voice went up a few octaves and she sounded like a beauty queen on helium.
Lonnie is dull as dishwater. I take that back because I’ve seen some pretty flamboyant dishwater. She’s just dull.
Dan was less giggly and came off quite well.

Vern likes Dan. He tells Dan he’s “telegenic” which is Vern-speak for Take your shirt off and come to my house.
Genevieve liked Antonio and Torie but Genevieve is an idiot. I still don’t get why she’s a judge.
Candace didn’t like Lonnie. The dull card was played again.

Antonio’s safe for taking over the lead. he’s off to bowl on his tippy-toes with lodge brother Barney.

Lonnie’s safe for planting bamboo along the fence. Yes. Planting bamboo and doing really nothing else is cause for celebration.

Dan and Torie. Bottom two.

Dan is chastised for spending nearly half the budget on the pergola, which none of the judges liked anyway. But he is slightly praised on his hosting abilities and shirtlessness. the last bit of praise came, not from the judges, but from happy queens the world over.

Torie is abused for being the leader who does not lead. Oddly enough, she’s from Texas like that other leader who knows not how to lead. W, anyone?

After all is said and done, Torie gets the boot. She leaves without the Tiara! I predicted this in minute five, so why did I stay up for the whole thing again?

Oh yeah, Dan. Shirtless Dan.

Now I remember. I couldn’t find a picture of him, you know, like that, so this will have to do.



Filed under Bob, Carlos, David and Neal, Design Star, Meryl Streep, Roger and Thomas, Smallville

>Happy Birthday From Smallville to Nutwood


I got word from the Queen of the Ginger Snaps that someone was havin’ a birthday!

Happy Birthday Beth, the diva of Nutwood Junction.

I searched and searched for an irreverent brithday song and think I found one with just the right bits of snark and sarcasm and tinged with humor.

Have a gggrrrrrrrrrrreat day!


Filed under Beth, Birthday, Nutwood Junction

>Sunday Morning Tuxedo



Filed under Cats, Pets, Tuxedo

>In Memorium



Filed under Death, Democrat, Edward Kennedy, Politics

>Sunday Funnies


David Letterman: “John McCain at one point had to have a crazy woman removed by security at one of these town hall meetings. And I’m thinking, jeez, he should have done that a year ago.”

Conan O’Brien: “Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That’s amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far.”
David Letterman: “The entire island of Martha’s Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There’s even a cocktail that they’ve named after Barack Obama. It’s called the Obamarita. Not to be confused with a cocktail inspired by John McCain, the Cosmopoligrip. And then there was one a couple of years ago inspired by George W. Bush, the Mojidiot. Of course, there was the Bill Clinton Screwdriver.”

Bill Maher: “Then there’s the people who come to the town hall meetings about health care and think that Obama is going to do the same thing that Hitler did. I mean, what can’t you tell these people that they won’t believe? I could start a rumor right now. I could say, you know what? Under Obama’s health care plan, when you bring your child to a pediatrician, from now on, when he’s done, instead of giving him a balloon, he’s going to give the kid a condom. Stupid is a preexisting condition, yes.”


Filed under Cartoons, Sunday Funnies

>And Now For A Word From Tom Colicchio


So, I’m watching Top Chef, as I usually do on Wednesday nights, and the elimination challenge was to cook for a bachelor and bachelorette party. Well, it seems as if one of the cheftestants, a lesbian named Ashley, was angry that she had to cook for a straight couple about to be married when she, herself, cannot marry the women she loves.

This annoyed me. I mean, is that any different that, say, a straight chef angry that he has to cook for a gay couple? We wouldnt stand for that! We’d be outraged! We’d take our aprons off, slap them on the counter and storm out in a huff, by nelly. So, it pissed me off that Ashley bitched and moaned.

Plus, let’s not forget she’s in the hospitality industry. She is there to cook, not to judge; to saute, not to politicize; to bake, not to….okay, I’m done with that.

But then Tom Colicchio decided to blog about the issue of same sex marriage on his blog. Says Tom: “I’m going to go out on a limb and say a few words about same-sex marriage: First of all, part of the problem with the issue is that it is framed by opponents as a discussion of whether gay people should get special rights. This is specious – yes, special legislation or court decisions grant them the right to wed in a particular state, however this is done to ensure that they share equal protection under the law by finally being able to avail themselves of the same rights as everyone else. They are not seeking special treatment, just equitable treatment. Second, religion has no business being part of the discussion. When a couple is wed in a house of worship, the officiant may be performing a religious rite, but as far as the law is concerned, that officiant has been authorized to perform a civil function, plain and simple. And even were same-sex marriage to be legalized by the state, no one would be holding a gun to the heads of the clergy to require them to perform a ceremony that their faith or personal creed does not condone. Just as some rabbis would not perform my marriage to my wife because I wasn’t Jewish, clergy can decline performing same-sex marriages; gay couples can either find clergy willing to officiate or can be wed in a civil setting. The idea that religious leaders are continuing to shape state law is just wrong. The institution of marriage should be available to all. The idea that you can have a life-long partner and not make decisions for them in a hospital, not share in insurance benefits, not automatically have parental rights unless you are the birth parent, is just flat-out wrong.”

You go, Tom!


Filed under Bravo, LGBT Rights, Marriage Equality, Tom Colicchio, Top Chef


My friend Maria sent me these. I usually hit delete, and I did, in fact, delete many of these, but I found these few [few?] amusing:

  • I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
  • More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
  • Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
  • I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
  • Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
  • Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
  • There is a great need for sarcasm font.
  • Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I saw when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the %$*& was going on when I first saw it.
  • I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
  • I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
  • I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
  • LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
  • I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
  • Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
  • How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
  • I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
  • What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
  • MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
  • I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
  • Bad decisions make good stories
  • Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
  • Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
  • “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
  • I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
  • I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
  • As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
  • I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
  • Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
  • The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


Filed under Bob, Funny