>Top Ten Closeted Conservatives

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Welcome to the ISBL Unofficial Monday.
After the long weekend, I don’t care what you call today, it feels like a Monday. And I feel like a Top Ten list.
But a list of what?
Well, since we recently watched Ken Mehlman slither from the closet, after years of bashing, and hating, and using the LGBT community to frighten the conservative base, I thought, Why not a Top Ten list of closeted conservatives?
And it just so happened that SFWeekly had the same idea [HERE] so here it is:
10] California state Senator Roy Ashburn.
The pseudoheroic baton of homo honesty was passed to Mehlman last week from Ashburn, his reluctant predecessor.
Unlike Mehlman, Ashburn didn’t discover the courage to be honest until after being arrested for drunk driving following Latino drag night at a gay bar in Sacramento.
Similar to Kenny, Ashburn has a strong record of acting against the interests of his fellow gays.
9] Former Idaho Senator Larry Craig.
Y’all remember when homophobe Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting a penis pacifier from an undercover cop in an airport bathroom in Minnesota?
Toe-tappin’ Craig?
Craig still clings to his heterosexuality even though he pleaded guilty to the charge of soliciting sex from a police officer.
He famously said, “I am not gay” and no one really believes him.
8] The Reverend Ted Haggard.
Haggard was forced to resign from his evangelical ministry after it was revealed that he had a sexual relationship with a male massage therapist for three years–and used a little crystal meth with him, too. Ted’s admission of his man-on-man action is somewhat unique because he now says he has been fixed and no longer has homo urges. His wife must be thrilled.
7] George Rekers.
The self-proclaimed expert on homosexuality–as well as a founder of the Christian ultra-conservative Family Research Council–was caught traveling with a young male escort he hired to act as his luggage-lifting companion.
The escort, Lucien, admitted to doing much more than lifting luggage. Rekers, like Larry Craig, still denies accusations of lusting for the scent of a scrotum on a hot day.
Although George likes to think of himself not only as straight, but also as being just like Jesus!
6] Representative Mark Foley.
Foley, a six-term Congressman from Florida was caught sending lewd and lascivious instant messages to teenage pages. Foley not only resigned his seat, he also came out of the closet and told the world that he is as gay as the day is long.
Interestingly enough, a few years before getting caught drooling over teenagers, Foley said accusations that he was gay were “revolting and unforgivable.”
5] Michael Huffington.
After a cutthroat campaign against Dianne Feinstein for the California Senate seat she won, Republican Huffington announced–first to his wife, Arianna, their daughters, then to Esquire magazine–that he loves wieners and he hates politics before vowing to never run for office again.
4] Governor Jim McGreevey.
Okay, our token Democrat.
The former Governor of New Jersey was married–twice–mostly to maintain the image of an electable heterosexual, ass-grabbing, titty loving man among men. He also had a hot, sexy affair with a man on the state’s payroll, whom he’d hired.
Talk about horny!
When wasn’t Jim McGreevey ejaculating?
3] Roy Cohn.
A rabid, vicious, heartless attorney who worked with Senator Joe McCarthy in helping to rid the FBI–and Hollywood–of communists in the 1950s, Cohn was not-so-secretly gay.
Although responsible for investigating and accusing many people of being communist or homosexual, Cohn never admitted that he, too, craved sex with men.
He died of AIDS in 1986.
2] J. Edgar Hoover.
The longest-serving head of the FBI had a lifelong relationship with an associate director of the FBI named Clyde Tolson. Hoover never discussed his relationship with Tolson but they were constant companions. Tolson was not only Hoover’s heir but he also received the flag that was draped on Hoover’s coffin at his funeral. A film about J. Edgar Hoover directed by Clint Eastwood and written by Dustin Lance Black–who wrote screenplay for Milk–is set to be released in 2012.
1] We are saving this slot for the next closet case.
The next morally superior, hypocritical, Republican–or not–wickedly conservative–because he’s got to prove he’s not one of them gays–to come out … and you know its going to happen.
Charlie … Charlie … come out, come out, wherever you are………
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3 Comments

Filed under Charlie Crist, Closeted Gay, George Rekers, J. Edgar Goover, Jim McGreevey, Ken Mehlman, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, Michael Huffington, Roy Ashburn, Roy Cohn, Ted Haggard

3 responses to “>Top Ten Closeted Conservatives

  1. >I think it's Pope Benedict. But I also think he'll die before he ever comes out. (You're not limiting the list to Americans, are you?)

  2. >Tim Gunn has some interesting observations about J.Edgar in his new book.

  3. >I'm looking forward to when someone finally outs Miss Lindsey Graham. That bitch definitely deserves a spot on this list.

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