>Y’all remember that when Paris Hilton was arrested, this time, she claimed that it wasn’t her purse, with all her IDs and so on inside. Then she claimed that she thought the cocaine was chewing gum, because, well, if you’re as dumb as Paris Hilton, you think gum goes up your nose.
Well, with that, Paris Hilton wins our Top Ten List Of Dumbest Celebrity Excuses for The Not-My-Purse-Not-My-Coke-But-It-Is-My-Gum Excuse.
And with Paris’ ability to come off sounded dumber than a box of rock, I, as well as some other folks, began wondering……Hmmmmm, what are some of the other dumbassed celebrity excuses.
Lindsay Lohan: Every Excuse in the Book.
In 2007, when the police pulled her over in Santa Monica and found cocaine in her jeans pocket, she said she didn’t do drugs and the jeans weren’t hers.
Thankfully, the police are as stupid as Lohan and arrested her for coke possession, DUI and driving without a license.
In 2010, she missed a court hearing because, her attorney claimed, she lost her passport.
She used the “My uncle died” excuse for missing an alcohol counseling session, even though her own lawyer admitted she hadn’t gone to the funeral.
Britney Spears: Forgive Me, I’m a Hick
During the midst of 2006, the Britney-Is-Nuts-Year, Spears was snapped by paparazzi behind the wheel of her car with her son Sean Preston perched on her lap. When asked by Matt Lauer why the baby wasn’t strapped into a car seat where he belonged, Spears gave us that good ole down-home kinda excuse: “I did it with my dad. I’d sit on his lap and I drive. We’re country.”
As in, “Too stupid to know the law.”
Or, is it “stoopid.”
Eddie Murphy: I’m a Good Samaritan…to Hookers
That’s the Eddie Murphy excuse for photos taken of him in 1997 with a, ahem, street girl in his car while he was married. He told his then-wife that he’d stopped because she–Or he, since the “woman” turned out to be a transsexual escort–was crying. He later said it wasn’t the first time his heart had gone out to a hooker. “I was being a good Samaritan,” he said. “It’s not the first hooker I’ve helped out. I’ve seen hookers on corners … and I’ll pull over … and I’ll empty my wallet out to help.”
Empty out the wallet, Yes. Help? Well, it depends on your definition of the kind of help Eddie offers.
Winona Ryder: My Director Made Me Steal for a Part
Winona: The Shoplifting Years. When the actress was caught making off with more than $5,500 worth of Saks Fifth Avenue merchandise in 2001, she, at first, denied she was a thief, then changed her tune to the old “researching a part” song and dance.
“I’m sorry for what I did,” she said in her Oscar-nominated role of shoplifter. “My director directed me to shoplift for a role I was preparing.”
Except, she wasn’t playing a shoplifter in any role at that time. Unless you count her part on Friends where she shoplifted a kiss from Jennifer Aniston.
Jeffrey Donovan: It’s Not Me, Or The Wine I Guzzled, It’s the Benadryl
Donovan, star of USA network’s Burn Notice, had a nice little run-in with Miami Beach police officers back in 2009, when he swerved to avoid hitting a squad car and then failed a sobriety test. He was arrested when he wouldn’t take a breathalyzer. Though he confessed to downing drinks over dinner at a restaurant, he still claimed he was blameless and pointed the finger at cold medicine:
“The only mistake I made tonight,” Donavan said, “was drinking Benadryl with three glasses of wine.”
Shelly Morrison: There’s an Earthquake in My Mind
The lovable Rosario, from Will and Grace, stole nearly $500 in jewelry from a department store and attributed her bout of shoplifting to the tremors in her brain.
“Sometimes the mind has a mini earthquake,” Morrison said. “I did a dumb thing that was so out of character … I’ve since seen therapists and they explained to me that I left no room for myself.”
Earthquakes in your head.
I may remember this one, just in case, because it’s so crazy, it might just work.
Though it didn’t for Rosario.
Whitney Houston: Crack Is Too Wack for Me
Whitney is too classy for crack. At least, that’s what she used as her excuse for lying about smoking it when she was deep in one of her many drug-fueled breakdowns.
“Crack is cheap,” the songstress explained. “I make too much money to use crack. Crack is wack.”
And crack is, apparently, for poor people.
Whitney liked the classy, expensive drugs, I’m guessing.
Tom Sizemore: That Underwear I Was Wearing Isn’t Mine
When your struggle with drug and alcohol addiction is well publicized, and you’re stopped by police for a second time using a fake penis called the Whizzinator to beat a urine drug test, the best thing to do is say the underwear isn’t yours.
“They’re not mine,” Sizemore told a court when asked about the briefs fitted with the device. “They’re Calvins. I wear Hilfigers.”
And everyone knows that Hilfiger’s do not come with the Whizzinator as standard equipment.
Not surprisingly, the judge wasn’t fooled.
Jeremy Piven: I Was Poisoned by Fish
Entourage star Piven abandoned his role in David Mamet’s play Speed-the-Plow because he’d been suffering from a bad case of mercury poisoning, he said.
The tale only made a mockery of the actor, with Mamet joking to Variety, “My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer.”