So, there we were, all snug in our chairs, watching Glee last night; a Tuesday ritual, except when things like elections and baseball get in the way, but I digress.
I loved how Glee tackled the bullying of Kurt and how it affected him, making him more aggressive with his friends. But then, we he followed the bully into the locker room and confronted him, i was like Yes! You go, Kurt! And I half-expected the bully would punch him but then…..that kiss. It took me back to Junior High School.
I was the target of bullies back then. If I answered a question in class, i was always sure to heard someone from the back of the room mutter Faggot. I never had one single teacher say, Who said that? even though the entire class heard it and snickered at me. Still, I wasn’t shoved in the hallways, though, because in those days the bullies were more hidden, and worked their torture out when no one else was around.
There was one guy, I don’t remember his name, who used to taunt me endlessly. I would pass him in the hallway….Faggot…..I’d see him in the cafeteria….Faggot…..waiting for the bus…..Faggot. No punches, or shoves, though, except for the verbal jabs.
One day, during PE, which was torture for the gay kid who threw like a girl and hated sports, I was in the lockerrom, and this guy came up to me. I didn’t run, probably because the thought didn’t cross my mind. But he backed me into a corner and said, Are you gay?
Well, what the hell did that mean? Gay? I mean, I knew what it meant, but I didn’t know why he would ask me that, and yet he kept asking over and over, backing me up against a locker.
And then he kissed me. And I think that scared me more than the name-calling or the supposed beating I was about to endure. HE kissed ME. HE called ME a faggot again. And then he turned and left.
And he still kept calling me faggot in class, in the hallways, by the bus, and I kept wondering, Why? And somewhere, inside, I knew it was because he was just like me, only he was more scared and afraid about it than I. And I somehow knew he always would be a scared bully.
But, it wasn’t until last night, when Kurt said the most awful thing about his bully kissing him was that it was his first kiss, that I realized that guy, that hateful, closeted, homosexual who chose to bully and torture me to hide his own gayness, was my first kiss. You always think your first kiss will be special but you don’t think it will be like that.