I loves me some Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I LOVE Brit Lisa Vanderpump. I always love a Diva Brit with a rockin’ bod and a way with words.
Here are just a few of my favorite Lisa quotes:
On Camille’s dancing: “She was really shaking it and moving it. I think all that’s missing was a pole, really.”
On her gay houseguest Cedric: “I was very disappointed to see that under all that dynamite, there’s like a two-inch fuse.”
On former childstar and castmate, Kim: “It was all good fun, but Kim seemed much more reserved and much more on the outside. Maybe she went back to Witch Mountain.”
On having sex with her husband: “My husband calls me a sex object. He says every time he wants sex, I object. I say to him, you know what? Christmas and birthdays. And it’s your birthday, not mine; it’s another day off.”
On Taylor and her husband Russell: “I mean, Taylor’s a bright, vivacious, attractive woman. Evidently, opposites attract.”
On setting up Kim on a blind date: “I actually have somebody in mind, but he’s — actually, he’s still behind bars.”
He’s come out.
Of the closet.
But he’s copping to his love for all things men and feather boa in his new autobiography.
Color me surprised.
Color me nonplussed.
What about the woman who had a meltdown while the republicans in Congress wasted time reading the Constitution instead of, oh, I dunno, getting to fucking work?
They were reading the passage about the president having to be a natural born citizen, when, from up in the gallery, Theresa Cao screamed something like, “It’s people! Soylent green is people!”
Oh? That isn’t what she said?
“Not Obama! Not Obama! Help us Jesus!”
Yeah, that’s what she screamed before security dragged her crazy birthing ass outta there.
I know reality shows aren’t real, but they aren’t even pretending anymore. I mean, when someone like Calvin, who doesn’t win a challenge, doesn’t work well with others, insults his clients, stays on The Fashion Show, it makes me wonder.
And I kept wondering after Casey was eliminated from Top Chef all-Stars this week for her chicken feet.
No, she doesn’t have chicken feet, she served chicken feet.
And they were awful.
But, um, yeah, what about Jamie?
Jamie cut her finger a couple of weeks back and left to go to the hospital, leaving her team to do all the work. She came back in time to accept some of the credit.
She didn’t get knifed.
Then the next week, she couldn’t get her chickpeas soft–and that is not any sort of lesbian sexual reference, I mean actual chickpeas–and she didn’t serve the judges any food at all because her tam won before her hard peas were plated.
She didn’t get knifed.
Then this week she makes nearly inedible scallop dumplings and overcooked green beans and, again, she doesn’t get knifed.
Casey and her chicken feet are sent packing.
Who is Jamie $^%^#^^ing to stay on the show.
Elizabeth Edwards left her ex-husband, John, nothing in her will and people are seemingly in shock.
He cheated on her.
His mistress gave birth to his son.
She divorced him.
I’d be surprised if she left him anything at all, unless it was his balls in a jar.
I saw Bill O’Reilly debating with an atheist the other day, I think his name was David Silverman. Silverman’s group is responsible for billboards in NYC, and elsewhere, that call religion a scam, and the use of the word scam offended O’Reilly.
But, what offended me, or actually made me laugh out loud, was when O’Reilly said proof of God exists in the fact that the ocean tides rise and fall each day.
Um, Bill, that’s actually the moon.
And, according to Vera Charles, the man in the moon is a lady.
And what about newly elected Florida Republican, Teabagger, wingnut, asshat and fucktard, Allen West who says he hates Obama; hates him. He criticized Obama for going to Afghanistan and having Air Force One land at nice out of concern for the president’s safety. He thinks the president should put his life at risk and land in broad daylight like the soldiers do, and yet, he was wasn’t the least bit concerned that every single president who travels to a war zone lands at night.
He wants Obama to change that.
And I think maybe Obama should, once Allen West flies his illiterate Teabaggin’ ass over to Afghanistan and parachutes from the plane at high noon with a giant red flaming bulls eye tattooed on his large fat ass.