Monthly Archives: August 2010

>Just For Giggles: Top Ten Southern Pick-Up Lines

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Here in the South, we are a genteel lot. Nary a curse word or dirty look. We act like ladies, even when we’re trying to pick someone up.

After much research [thanks to Neal] I have been given the Top Ten Pick Up Lines that Southern Gentlemen use when picking up Southern Gentlemen….okay, and they work on Ladies, too, but why a man would try picking up a woman is beyond me.

Let’s roll…..

1] Did you fart? …Cuz you just blew me away.
2] Are yer parents retarded? …..Cuz ya sure are special.
3] My love fer you is like diarrhea. I just can’t hold it in.
4] Do you have a library [pronounced li-berry] card? …Cuz I’d like to sign you out
5] Is there a mirror in yer pants? …Cuz I can see myself in em.
6] You might not be the best lookin’ guy [or girl] here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.
7] I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
8] Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
9] If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

AND.. the best for last:
10] Yer face reminds me of a wrench. Every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

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Filed under Funny, Just For Giggles, Southerners

>The McDon’t Decay

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I am not a fan of The Fast Food. Sorry, DD, no Arby’s for me.

I’ve always thought I could make myself a meal that is better tasting, more to my liking, and probably less expensive, than dashing out to the local drive-thru. And now, I have even more reasons to cook at home.

The kind folks at Good Blog bought a McDonald’s Hamburger and a side of fries on Saturday, April 10, 2010. But they didn’t eat it.

Instead, they photographed it every day for 137 days and, well, this is the sick part…..IT NEVER CHANGED.

Never got moldy. Never turned green.

On Day 137 it looked pretty much like it did on Day 1.

Yeah, all the more reason to stay out of the drive-thru.

You can see the whole :::ack::: progression HERE.

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Filed under Food, Funny, McDonald's, Not Funny

>A Political Fable With A Truly Transparent Moral

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Once upon a time in the Southern Kingdom of Carolina there was a princess named Nikki who wore nearly no clothes, for she believed the common people of the land wanted to see her for what she was.

Princess Nikki was fair of heart and well-liked by the king, and the commoners were enamored with the princess for, though they had never seen her, they all had heard the tales of the princess who wore nearly no clothes.
“A princess who wears nearly no clothes clearly has nothing to hide,” they would say, “we can trust a princess who wants us to see her for what she is.”
The legend of the princess grew and grew, spreading beyond the kingdom into other lands far and wide until everyone knew of the fair princess who wore nearly no clothes.
As it happened, the king’s reign was ending, and by tradition the common people were to choose among the princes, princesses, and commoners who should become the new ruler of the land.
The commoners of the Southern Kingdom of Carolina felt fortunate that the famous princess was in their kingdom. “We are the envy of all the neighboring lands who wish they had such a princess to lead them, for she wants us to see her for what she is.”
At long last the day of the great festival arrived where the commoners would gather and select their new ruler. All the subjects of the Southern Kingdom of Carolina crowded into the courtyard of the castle, anxious to finally meet Princess Nikki who wore nearly no clothes because she wanted the people to see her for what she was.
There was another aspiring leader at the festival, Prince Vincent, but there was little doubt that Princess Nikki would claim the throne.
It was a glorious day and spirits were high as the introductions began.
Prince Vincent was the first to appear on the stage. The people had heard tales of how popular he was among other princes and princesses but they wanted someone who had nothing to hide. “Why is he wearing clothes?” they asked each other. “He clearly does not want us to know him as he really is. He’s only wearing some clothes, but Princess Nikki wears nearly no clothes and that is the type of person we can trust, as she trusts us to see her as she really is.”
The gathered masses applauded Prince Vincent politely for they held no animosity towards him and though they thought he would likely be an able leader, he was certainly no Princess Nikki.
At long last a flourish of horns announced Princess Nikki, but as she took the stage the gathered masses gasped in unison.
“You cannot be Princess Nikki,” they cried, “Princess Nikki wears nearly no clothes and you are fully clothed.”
“I am Princess Nikki,” she replied, “and I indeed am wearing nearly no clothes because I have nothing to hide and I want you to see me for who I am.”
The good commoners of the Southern Kingdom of Carolina were confused. Though they wanted to believe Princess Nikki, she was not as they expected her to be.
“Princess,” a commoner in the crowed shouted “why you are wearing clothes over your torso?”
“The covering over my torso is not clothing,” Princess Nikki responded, “it is part of my royal privilege, afforded to princesses and princes alike though some choose not to display it. But I assure you I am wearing nearly no clothes because I have nothing to hide.”
“But you are wearing clothes over your arms,” another commoner insisted.
“The covering over my arms is not clothing, it is a gift from the king who has told me it is not clothing. As you know, I am wearing nearly no clothes because I want you to know me as I am.”
“But you are wearing clothes over your legs,” a third voice interjected.
“The covering over my legs is not clothing as you can surely see, it is merely a covering.”
“I have told you repeatedly that I wear nearly no clothing,” said Princess Nikki, “yet you continue to question me as to what I am wearing. All of you know who I am and you know I have nothing to hide, so why would you question the fact that I am wearing nearly no clothing?”
“I ask you, dear commoners of the Southern Kingdom of Carolina,” continued Princess Nikki, “do you believe what you know or are you fooled by what you see?”
Many of the people were content to continue believing what they knew to be true, that Princess Nikki wore nearly no clothing because she had nothing to hide.
And the rest of the people finally saw her for what she really was.

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Filed under Nikki Haley, South Carolina, Vincent Sheheen

>An Emmy Stream Of Consciousness

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I was worried about Jimmy Fallon hosting the Emmy’s because I don’t think Jimmy Fallon is really that funny….And, I hate to say it [not really] but I think I was right….The opening number, a blatant Glee rip-off, was cute, and had some funny spots….The Kate Gosselin We-Don’t-Need-You smackdown was good….Really good….Kate? You keep telling everyone that your first priority is your children and yet you are constantly on TV….Try being a stay-at-home mom….And being quiet….Of course, we had the Hot Betty White and the…HOT FLASH….Jon Hamm….HOT FLASH….backin’ that mother up…..Let’s take a moment, a Jon Hamm moment….And we’re back….Jane Lynch….I.Love.Her….And the slushy….Tim Gunn….What a perfect ending except that it didn’t end there….They took it to the stage where Fallon pretended he was Springsteen….He’s not….I felt uncomfortable for him….And then he whips out the guitar and sings again….Glenn Close looks bored…..So do I….HOT FLASH….Matthew Morrison….HOT FLASH….and his male Plus-One….Uh-huh…..Like Matthew Morrison couldn’t get a date….Now, I’m not saying he’s a Friend of Dorothy’s or that He could have his own show on Bravo but really?….A male companion…..Jimmy’s Conan joke….NBC asked the host of Late Night to come to LA and do a completely different show…What could go wrong?….Cut to Coco…OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR COMEDY…..I’m a Glee-k, but I’m also a Modern Family-k–hmm, adding the ‘k’ doesn’t always work–too….So I was happy for Eric Stonestreet…..Jon Cryer, the loser, offers the fake congratulatory smile….You know he’s thinking, %^$#&, tomorrow I gotta go back to work with Charlie Sheen….They have some guy doing weird soundbites between commercials and as the winners come up onstage….He’s really not that funny, but he thinks he is….Fallon is back, reading Tweet intros, which is proof that Twitter will soon die……Sophia Vergara saying Big Bang over and over makes my stomach feel kinda funny….In a good way….Big Bang…..Big Bang….OUTSTANDING WRITING COMEDY….HOT FLASH…..Steven Levitan….HOT FLASH….Who knew a writer could be so funny and hot….And straight?….Moving on….Stephen Colbert….I don’t know what it is, but I don’t find him funny….I find him smug and annoying….OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS COMEDY….Jane Lynch….I.Love.Her…..I love her humor and her sincerity….I want to live next door to her and have her mow my lawn….Lauren Graham–in an unfortunate [read: hideous] dress….and the bloated Mathew Perry…..OUTSTANDING DIRECTING COMEDY…..Ryan Murphy for Glee….He’s a stiff little bald gay man and I don’t mean stiff in a good way….Eva Longoria Parker looks hot….LL Cool J needs to lose the hat….And the LL….The Cool….And the J….OUTSTANDING ACTOR COMEDY….Jim Parsons….The Big Bang Theory….He’s quite the fast-talker….And quite the not-so-ambiguously gay actor…..Fallon is back talking about one-named stars….Cher….Madonna….and I’m hoping for Cher….or Madonna….But then he mentions the insecure stars who need three names….Neil….Patrick….Harris….Love.Him…..NPH gets a gay joke jab at Fallon and then smirks…..The smirk is priceless….His thirty seconds onstage should be enough to remind Emmy producers to have him host again and again….OUTSTANDING ACTRESS COMEDY….Edie Falco….Nurse Jackie….She is not funny….She said so herself….Fallon and Kim Kardashian sing the Reality Section Intro….Sidenote….Why is Kardashian famous?….Other than her large ass what talent does she possess?….OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW….Top Chef….Very cool….Padma and Gail look like they had a bit too much champagne in the limo….Fallon and Julianna Margulies sing the Drama Intro…..One stinking Reality show award and the category gets a song?….And a Kardashian?….Mariska Hargitay and….HOT FLASH….Chris Meloni….HOT FLASH….He gets hotter every year….OUTSTANDING WRITING DRAMA SERIES….Mad Men….Moving on….I was into Mad Men that first year but I don’t think it’s lived up to the hype….OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR DRAMA SERIES….Aaron Paul….I don’t know who he is, but he is one hyper little monkey…..More Tweets….Seriously…This should have ended after the first one….OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS DRAMA…..Archie Panjabi…..Yeah, I Know….I was freaking out about that Aaron Paul guy and then Panjabi shows up….Who?….OUTSTANDING ACTOR DRAMA….Hot Flash….Jon Hamm? I mean, c’mon! Who looks hotter in a suit and an ad agency than Jon Hamm? The first Darrin on Bewitched? No. The second Darrin? No. Jon ‘Back-That-Mother-Up’ Hamm. That’s who!….And what about….HOT FLASH….Matthew Fox? I mean, c’mon! Lost, man! He was on Lost. And who else could stay looking so hot travelling back and forth through time and blowing up a huge chuck of the island and then saving the island and then dying and taking everybody to heaven? Who else, but Matthew-Yes-He’s A-Fox….HOT FLASH….Kyle Chandler? I mean, c’mon! If I’d had a football coach like that when I was in high school I would have tried out….For towel Boy….Or anything that would get me in a lockerroom with Kyle Chandelr….HOT FLASH….Bryan Cranstron?…..Really….You had three shots at Hot Flashes and we got Bryan Cranston?….I could have made a delicious Chandler-Fox-Hamm sandwich in my head and you gave me Bryan Cranston? He may be a good actor, but is he man-candy enough for Must-See-TV?….I think not….I may actually turn off the TV….But then….Oh yes….I saw the ads for his new fall show….The ads for his new fall show where he isn’t wearing a shirt….Uh huh….HOT FLASH…..Boris Kodjoe….HOT FLASH….Even Carlos perked up, Oooooh papi….Ann-Margaret and John I-Can’t-Stand-Him-In-Anything-At-All-Ever Lithgow….OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES DIRECTOR….Dexter….Fallon does his singing thing again with a tribute to three show that have left the air….24….L&O….LOST….Lost….I miss LOST….Again with the Twitter….Tina Fey….So just naturally funny and….HOT FLASH….Matthew Morrison….HOT FLASH…..OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTRESS DRAMA SERIES….Kyra Sedgwick….The Closer….Love that show….Fallon singing again with Colbert….Again….Variety….OUTSTANDING WRITING VARIETY SHOW….The Tony Awards….Dave Boone….As a writer he talks too much….As a writer for an awards show he should know better….Ricky Gervais….Finally the show gets it’s comedy balls….Gervais is funny and irreverent and a wee bit naughty….He opts to leave Mel Gibson alone because Mel has Had it hard….Though not as hard as the Jews….Note to Emmy producers….If NPH won’t do it, get Ricky Gervais….Seriously….OUTSTANDING VARIETY SHOW DIRECTING….A nominee is named Bucky Gunts and Gervais runs with it…..I hope it’s Bucky Gunts because I didn’t know you could say that on television….Buckygunts….And the winner is….Bucky Gunts….who missed the joke entirely….Buckygunts….OUTSTANDING VARIETY SHOW….Let it be Conan….Let it be Conan….The Daily Show?….Seriously, had Cona one it would have continued the upsurge provided by Gervais…..FAIL….The Bob Hope Humanitarian Award….Georger Clooney….I am arriving late at the Clooney Love Game….but seriously….HOT FLASH….George Clooney….HOT FLASH….Clooney is just dee-lish….Hot and sexy in that silver fox kinda way….And then msart and compassionate and political in that hot and sexy kinda way….Fallon sings again….Miniseries and Movies….HOT FLASH…..John Krasinski….HOT FLASH….He is one long tall drink of water….And I am thirsty….And January Jones in her Pool Liner Couture Gown and Bed Head…..OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS MINISERIES/MOVIE….Julia OrmondTemple Grandin….I always thought she was French….But she isn’t….She’s English….But maybe she’s part French because that might explain the Bed Hair, which made Jan Jone’s look positively tame….Her speech is as unkempt as her hair….She thanks the other nominees but can’t remember one….She calls her Catherine O’what’shername….It’s O’Hara….Fallon comes back and does a buckygunts joke….FAIL….You’re not Ricky Gervais….Claire Danes….OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR MINISERIES/MOVIE….David Strathairn….Temple Grandin….He was in The River Wild with La Streep and he was hot and sexy….Now, he’s become that hot sexy older guy….Aging and silvering nicely….And then comes The Death March….Rue McClanahan….Dixie Carter….John Forsythe….Lena Horne….And a song by Jewel….Really?….That felt uncomfortable….As uncomfortable as a Jimmy Fallon Emmy-hosting gig….Maura Tierny and….HOT FLASH….Blair Underwood….HOT FLASH….Seriously….I could stare at him all day and since he has a new show coming on where he plays the President, well, I just might….OUTSTANDING MINISERIES….You Don’t Know Jack….OUTSTANDING ACTRESS MINISERIES/MOVIE….Claire Danes….Temple Grandin….To be honest, I like me some Claire Danes, but I fear she is treading dangerously close toward veering into Gwyneth Paltrow territory….You know about Paltrow territory, right?….Where she thinks she’s that good….And she’s not….And while we’re on the subject of that good, I’d like to share with you….HOT FLASH….Alexander Skarsgard….HOT FLASH….I almost feel like making one of those childish vampire jokes about sucking and so on….But I’ll refrain….Though looking at Skarsgard it does cross my mind….Again and again….Anna Paquin in one of the more awful dress choices….It’s a little Cleopatra and a little Bullfighter and a lot wrong….HOT FLASH….Stephen Moyer….HOT FLASH….OUTSTANDING DIRECTING MINISERIES/MOVIE….Mick Jackson….Temple Grandin….OUTSTANDING LEAD ACTOR MINISERIES/MOVIE….Al Pacino….And his newest face…You Don’t Know Jack….His speech is all the proof you’ll ever need that actors need writers….A rambling mess and he doesn’t get cut off because he’s Al Pacino….Laurence Fishburne…OUTSTANDING MINISERIES….The Pacific….OUTSTANDING MOVIE….Temple Grandin….Fallon returns for one last odd moment with Tom Selleck that bordered on the homoerotically-creepy….OUTSTANDING DRAMA SERIES….Mad Men….Jon Hamm is still hot three hours later….OUTSTANDING COMEDY SERIES….Modern Family….I would have been Glee-k-fully happy but I does likes me some Modern Family….So, how’d we do?….The show scarcely ran over the three-hour mark….Good….Jimmy Fallon….Not so good….NPH….Devine….Rick Gervais….Seriously….Call him….I liked some of the winners….Jane Lynch….Modern Family….Eric Stonestreet…Others….Well, I thought, Who in the hell is that….And I thought that a lot……

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Filed under Bob, NBC, Rant, Reality TV, The Emmys

>Emmy Fashion

>The Great

Claire Danes…simple and glittery like the Emmy she won last night.

The Best

Julia Louis-Dreyfuss rockin’ the hard body. This, people, is the mother on an eighteen-year-old.
Mariska Hargitay. It’s a little bit pixie and a little bit va-va-va-voom.
Julie Bowen rockin’ the hard body. This, people, is the mother of an eighteen-day-old
The Good
Jane Lynch. It’s nice to see a Lesbian out of flannels and Doc Martens. Jane looks hot.
Lea Michelle. Pretty, but a wee bit ruffle-y.
Sophia Vergara. I like the dress but the brown skidmark down the front is a little odd.
The Meh:
Heidi looks like she left the Runway with half-a-dress. Somewhere in NYC Nina Garcia is rolling her eyes and saying, Ghastly.
Tina Fey’s dress was inspired by crop circles and hieroglyphics. It says, God this is one awful dress.
Glenn Close is so sleek and chic, and then she stripped the bed and wore the sheets to the Emmys.
The Bad
Lauren Graham. This looks like it’s on backwards. And maybe upside-down.
Keri Russell. We get it, you’re cute. But this looks like one of Dakota Fanning’s leftover dresses, circa 1998.
Dianna Agron. I’m guessing funeral home doily? And I’m guessing you should fire your stylist.

The Worst

Jewel. Grandma’s curtain never looked better.
Mindy Kaling. i don’t know who you are, but this hoochie-mama funeral dress with the Winehouse hair will be hard to scrape off my corneas.
Kristen Wiig looks like she borrowed one of SNL’s costume numbers. I know shoulder pads are making a comeback, but not on a strappy dress.

The God Awful:

January Jones in what looks like a left-over form the Project Runway Party Store Challenge. I seriously think those are blue plastic cups on her, ahem, breastiges, and the skirt looks like a pool liner.
I get that it’s a “designer” gown but even designers can make something that looks like this trainwreck.
Plus, Jan, may I call you Jan? Perhaps running a comb through your hair before you got out of the limo would have been a nice touch.

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Filed under Bad Fashion, Bob, Good Fashion, The Emmys

>More Of Nikki Haley’s Dirty Words

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from the South Carolina New Democrats:

Nikki Haley recently released her plan titled “South Carolina Education.”
The following 10 dirty words do not appear in her plan:
  • Reading and writing – little things that have something to do with education.
  • Colleges and universities – places that have something to do with education.
  • Homework – what kids should do after school other than watch TV.
  • Vouchers for or against, a major issues about school funding in South Carolina.
  • Kindergartens a place where education begins.
  • Foreign languages – something that’s useful in dealing with most of the world.
  • Arts and music – an important part of any education.
  • Athletics and physical education – yes, we’re ready for some football.
  • Online learning – the fastest growing segment of education.
  • Nutrition – something good for kids other than junk food in schools.

We were ready to include “principals” but we found she included it but misspelled the word as “principles.”
Fifty percent of South Carolina’s general fund is spent on education. Haley’s so-called education “policy paper” is less than 1,300 words – the length of a regular newspaper article.

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Filed under Nikki Haley, South Carolina, South Carolina New democrats

>Sunday Funnies

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Filed under Cartoons, Sunday Funnies