They start off shouting and clapping each other on the back because they’ve got this.
Seriously, without a single idea or concept thrown out, they believe they are the winners.
Gretchen instantly takes charge and manipulates them into going Menswear as Womens Wear because it’s tailored and clean and it’s what she does.
Uh huh.
And then she decides that they will not each do their own design, but rather they will each play to their strong suits and do pieces that will be part of the whole. I’m sensing a supreme lack of cohesion, though Andy, whom I normally find intelligent, finds Gretchen’s commands to be good and smart.
AJ, not exactly good and smart, opts to do a shirt-dress because he’s a dress designer, and I’m thinking, Hmmm, shirtdress? Fall 2010 or Fall 1967?
But I digress.
Gretchen, sensing victory for herself yet again, takes a moment to call the other team out for their “cuckoo drama.” Be careful what you speak about Gretchen. Be very careful.
Michael C is the outcast of the group. He can’t get a word in edgewise and when he does Ivy announces that she hates it. Not his designs, mind you, but his actual words. She doesn’t think he should be allowed to speak. And, she reminds him, Don’t fuck it up because you have immunity.
Ivy’s a real peach, and not the Peach on the other team who is a sweetheart.
Even AJ jumps on the Bash Michael Bus. I know. AJ!
As Tim visits he is taken aback by the idea that Team Luxe is working piecemeal on the collection, and he worries about them. in fact, while Michael C called Team Military’s collection a “bordello of trashy,” a ho collection, if you will, Tim tells Team Luxe that their collection is ho………………hum,
And Ho Hum is far worse than simple Ho.
After Tim’s critique, Ivy and Gretchen, Team Mean Girls, jump all over Michael C, calling him incompetent and lazy and, worst of all, a bad seamstress. :::gasp:::sob:::: Gretchen tells him to start again; Ivy says he can’t do it.
Michael C pulls out the pinking shears and tries to trim The Ivy.
On the runway Team Luxe is sad looking, and drab looking, and all over the place. There are big sweater coats, and knee-length vests, and bolero jackets and Granny shorts.
It all screams Luxe and Fall 2010.
Or maybe that was just me screaming.
JUDGING
With nary a moment to breathe Heidi announces the winner is Team….drum roll….Military, and they all clap and hug, and laugh and cry, while Gretchen and The Superstars appear stunned. They are even more stunned when Heidi banishes them to the Waiting Room, where they continue to talk about how beautiful their collection is, and how well they worked together and how they should have won.
Shaddup already, losers.
On the runway, Heidi says Team Military is fun and flirty and has a spirit and beautiful color. Guest judge, designer and co-founder of Marchesa, Georgina Chapman, of the sinfully delicious British accent, credits them for letting their own voice shine through, yet creating a collection that works as a whole.
Gretchen, in the workroom: “The only ‘thing’ that made it a collection was the lace.” Then she calls it a PR first that their ‘collaboration,’ or should I say, colla-BORE-ation, doesn’t look like any one of them.
Yeah, that’s good Gretchen.
Back on the runway, Peach and Casanova are singled out by the judges, and by their own team, for their modern looks. Kors says military and lace could go costume, but they pulled it off. Nina called the styling perfection.
It is a Military Love Fest.
One more reason to repeal DADT.
WAITING ROOM
Gretchen commands her team to stand as a team and don’t throw anyone under the bus, but in the end they stand as group for a hot minute. Ivy says it isn’t her style to trash other designers, but then, really, Ivy has no style, so her point is moot.
ON THE RUNWAY
Of course, Gretchen speaks for the group, telling the judges it was more important for them to collaborate rather than design independently [like that other team?] because they could show off their strengths while hiding their weaknesses.
Not hers, mind you. She has none. Except that ego.
When Heidi then asks who was The Weakest Link, Gretchen’s Reality TV tears fall, and she again says she doesn’t think they had a Weak Link on their team.
Hold.That.Thought.
Ivy, also crying because Gretchen told her to, says having them critique their line is like having a baby and people telling you it’s ugly. Well, Ivy, if that’s the case, let me be the first to say that you have had five ugly babies this season.
Yeah, I went there.
Heidi reminds them that Michael C has immunity, so which of the five left was the Weakest Link.
Gretchen asks them to be “mindful” and make their decision based on past designs, which is to say, “I won twice so I should be safe.”
Nina, in my favorite critique of the evening, tells them that every single proportion in their collection is bad. Long. Short. Really short. “There is no sex appeal, no design, and the colors are………..[Patented Nina Garcia eye roll]………..ghastly.”
I.Love.Nina.
Kors says Team Luxe has no luxe, and calls Ivy’s vest–and let’s be clear, no matter who goes home, Ivy’s outfit was a train wreck of epic proportions, or lack of proportions–a Golden Girl’s vest. I disagree, because I think it’s more of a Bea Arthur as Maude vest.
Nina gasps at the granny shorts. Granny shorts! Tres courant!
But Heidi mostly hates AJ’s air hostess shirtdress with the riding pants underneath.
The less said about that combination the better.
And the judges again ask, who was the Weak Luxe, and then it happens.
Gretchen, the real Gretchen, comes out. I’d like to say it was an alternate personality but since she doesn’t have even one, she can’t have an alternate.
No, this was simply Gretchen as Ralph Kramden.
Bus.Driver.
I think we realized late in the game that grandma had arrived.
About.Face!
And Kors calls her on it.
And Nina calls her on the styling, to which Gretchen replies, I had to style a crappy collection.
But, says Kors, a crappy collection that only moments ago you loved. What happened, Gretchen? This is your style, so who had the hardest time.
Outside the studio a bus is revving it’s engine.
Michael C, says Gretchen, and the minions follow suit.
Ivy says Michael C.
Christopher says Michael C.
Andy says Michael C.
Only AJ, who apprently meant it when he said he wasn’t gonna trash anyone, says he didn’t do his style, and so maybe he was the weakest.
But then Gretchen pipes up again, and says she had to spend so much time helping Michael that she left all her work until the very last minute.
The bus has careened into the studio and hits the runway full speed.
Then Gretchen says, Everybody sucked.
At this point, it is clear that Gretchen will aim the bus at anyone to save her own ass. No one is safe. Kors looks for the exit and Nina calls security.
Heidi, the cool head, reminds them again that Michael won last week for a beautiful garment and that they cannot lay the blame for this entire disaster at his feet.
Michael C mutters a Thank you.
Then Ivy, who will not talk smack about a designer because that isn’t her style, says she doesn’t know if Michael C is lazy or ignorant.
Ouch. Way to be true to your word, Ivy.
Gretchen, desperate to keep the out of control Greyhound from running her over, wants to show the judges what each of them made, and points out one garment, and calls it an awful 80s dress and says she made it.
One minute it’s gorgeous and well-conceived then it’s crappy and awful.
I think Gretchen is trying to go for the I-Know-I-Made-Mistakes-But-Lord-Save-Me! It’s almost as if she was trying to throw herself under the bus, but right then the bus was merely idling.
Like me, Heidi has heard far too much and commands them to leave.
THE VERDICT
Casanova gets the win, and all of his team is jumping and clapping and thrilled.
For him.
And, as was the habit of Team Misfit, he says the win wasn’t his, it belonged to all of them.
Seriously. Sweet.
Back on the runway Michael C gets the Immunity Save, followed by Christopher, and then Ivy.
IVY?
She hasn’t made one interesting piece since she arrived. The best things she did was collapse in the hallway. But she gets a save for the monstrosity she sent down the runway?
It’s clear now that the bus has landed squarely on AJ, and he is partially to blame because he set the GPS.
Andy gets saved.
Then Gretchen, the bitchy, bullying back-pedaler gets saved.
AJ is Auf’d.
And, true to his personality, he says he’s said to leave for not following his design aesthetic.
It was sad.
I mean, his shirtdress was awful, but it wasn’t the worst thing that catwalked. Ivy?
But, and this is what I live for, Tim gets the last [verbatim] word:
I have a few words for Team Luxe. I fundamentally do not understand your behavior and demeanor and affect on the runway. I don’t get it.I don’t know why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control and bully you. I don’t understand it. And AJ? You’ve taken the bullet and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space.
God bless Tim Gunn.
I Should Be Laughing 