>Those wacky famewhores!
It seems that Jon Gosselin has finally awakened from his I’m A Reality Show Star coma to realize that he isn’t a reality show star without his media-whorin’ wife, Kate. and, now, he’s doing everything he can–including getting a :::gasp::: job–to win back her cold, stone-like, minuscule heart.
A friend of the couple–and by friend, I mean, one of the many people hired to watch their brood because Jon and Kate have other things to do besides parent–says, “They both realize how much they miss each other. Neither one of them have been really happy since their ugly split and would love to turn back time to the point where they were both in love before fame took over.”
They don’t miss each other as much as they miss the Lifetime paychecks.
Neither of them has been happy since they split because they miss the Lifetime paychecks.
Jon recently put away his frat-boy Ed Hardy shirts and landed a job with Green Pointe Energy, where he installs solar panels.
A friend of Jon’s–and by friend, I mean, some beer bongin’ middle-aged wannabe–says, “Jon is in a great place. He is happy and knows what a fool he made of himself after his split from Kate.”
Jon began his Mea Culpa Tour–to win back Kate and those Lifetime paychecks–last fall by publicly apologizing to his fame-whore ex, via Twitter: “I am acutely aware of the mistakes I made in 2009 and I am ashamed of the choices I made. I have apologized to Kate, my family, and to my friends. Through counseling I have learned to own my actions. My goal is to move forward in a positive direction.”
Toward a Lifetime paycheck.
And Kate, who had hoped to turn her fifteen minutes of fame into something more, and then failed miserably by dancing like a gorilla in jackboots on national television, has realized that she needs Jon again, because the paychecks are better when they are two of them.
Glenn Close has chosen her next film role. She has always been running after Meryl Streep, hoping to be Meryl Streep, and knowing that won’t happen.
But she decided to take a page from Meryl’s playbook and tackle the role of a real-life women. i mean Meryl played Julia Child and scored an Oscar nomination. Meryl is now playing Margaret Thatcher and will no doubt score another nomination.
So, Glenn decided that she, too, should play a great female icon of the ages.
Yes, Glenn will take on the role of the singing spinster in a new film!
A source–and by source I mean the men who carry Glenn’s ego from room to room–say, “The film is full steam ahead now the leading role is sorted. It was always going to be a tricky one to cast. SuBo’s incredible story is so well-known across the planet that the film is bound to go down a storm.”
Oh, me thinks it’ll go down, all right.
Like a lead balloon.
Christina!!! Bring me the axe!
It looks like a group of flight attendants went all Joan Crawford on Faye Dunaway’;s ass on a recent flight from New York to London.
Dunaway has the reputation of purchasing coach tickets on flights and then showing up at the airport, demanding to be upgraded at no charge to First Class because she’s the Great Faye Dunaway!
Well, they weren’t having it.
It seems that the Dunaway Hating Flight Attendants tortured poor Faye back in the daye, er, day.
Before Dunaway boarded one early-’90s flight, the flight attendants claim that airline management contacted ground staff and told them that under no circumstances should they upgrade Dunaway.
Well, sure enough, Dunaway turned up at JFK with a coach ticket to London and demanded an upgrade. She began the usual screaming, ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ but the ticket agents, and the flight attendants refused her demands, but did give a seat in the first row of Coach. So she could see there were seats free in business and first class.
This, of course, infuriated the has-been diva.
When the meal service began, Faye pouted, and refused to eat. She snapped, ‘I am not eating.”
As if they care!
So, the flight crew took their taunts one step further.
When Dunaway fell asleep from hunger, the attendants grabbed a stack of wire hangers and put them on the seat next to the wacktress.
When she woke up as the plane landed, Faye was as enraged as Joan Crawford was the night Bette Davis turned down her sexual advances. She scoured the plane looking for the wire-hanger culprit, and finally gave up, and took her revenge by getting into the aisle and doing…..yoga.
Faye is Craye-Craye.
New mommy and homo, er, daddy, Kelly Preston and John Travolta took their latest bundle of jot yo Hawaii for a family getaway.
Oh, it sounds so lovely.
Except Johnny forgot to pack his hair.
I mean, it common knowledge that Travolta is a member of the Hair Club for Men, even if he doesn’t admit it. His hairline goes up, then comes down, then goes this way and then that way, as though it had a mind of it’s own, or his piece glue wasn’t holding. he changes his hair color, cut and style more often than Gag changes her meat dress.
But, since he had no hair, he opted to hit the beach anyway, with nothing on his head, but a splotchy comb over.
I mean, he remembered his beard, but he forgot his hair?
Rihanna is a tart.
She’s, oh, how to I say this delicately, hot to trot with no place to race.
But that hasn’t stopped her from sexting my Husband in My head, Colin Farrell with raunchy messages.
It seems that the singer and actor met on the British TV show around Christmas last year and exchanged phone numbers. Soon, the sexting began.
A source–and by source I mean Rihanna’s hairdresser who scours the world looking for the most unnatural shade of red to put in her hair–says, “Colin was taken aback by some of the texts. He reckons he might well be in there. They’re both single, so why not?”
It seems their little flirtation began when Farrell complimented Rihanna on her legs. Which she took as an oportunity to graphically discuss a recent wax treatment, you know, down there.
But hey, they’re both single, now, and they’re both of age, and they’re both sluts.
I wish the kids well, but Colin, when she dumps you, and she will, call me.
The Queen–and I mean The Queen, not RuPaul–has sent out some 1,800 invitations for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
Wow, so many invites, and not one sent to The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson.
And she is ALLEGEDLY distraught over the snub, especially since her own daughters have been invited!
A friend of Sarah’s–and by friend, I mean the police officer assigned to keep her from selling visits to her ex-husband–says, “Sarah is devastated that she hasn’t been invited. Hasn’t she been punished enough by the family? Sarah is down on her luck and this is the same as kicking a person while they are down.”
Sarah’s 10-year marriage to Prince Andrew ended fifteen years ago, but she recently made headlines after she was caught trying to sell press access to her ex-husband to an undercover reporter from The News of the World. Since then her already strained relationship with the palace has been almost non-existent.
An insider–and by insider, I mean the lady-in-waiting in charge of the Queen’s handbags–says, “Sarah was hoping that the wedding would provide her with the opportunity to spend quality time with the family and prove she can and does deserve to be part of the family. Any hope she ever had of being invited back into the fold is over. Sarah might be the last person on earth to finally get it but even she knows now she’s not welcome.”
I guess she can take a peek inside the church when she drops off her daughters and then heads home to watch it all on the telly like the common folk.
Well, Charlie Sheen’s done it again.
he was all over the radio, criticizing CBS and the bosses at his show, A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict, and those in charge have had enough.
They held meetings to discuss the possibility of having the show continue without the drugged out loser, and, when Charlie began his boss bashing again, they decided to shut the mother down for the rest of the season and probably for good.
Every time Charlie ends up in the hospital–or in home rehab–the network takes a hit because production of the show is impacted. His show once generated more than $3 million per episode, but that’s money CBS won’t see if the show is finished.
Production on A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict was set to resume on Monday, with four episodes to be filmed for this season. But in a statement issued late Thursday, CBS said that it was halting production on those episodes.
And they’re pissed: “Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen’s statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict for the remainder of the season.”
Of course, Charlie, seeing all his coke-and-whore money being taken away, has opened his drug addled yap again, calling the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, a “contaminated little maggot” and a “worm.”
And then he went on: “I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon.”
He even shouted that fans of the show were “my people … not yours.”
And it didn’t end there.
In another rant on the Alex Jones radio show, Sheen called the Lorre, a “clown” and referred to him as “Chaim Levine” (Lorre’s original name is Charles Levine). Charlie Sheen also claims to have cured his addictions “with my mind” and without the help of A.A., which he dubbed a “bootleg cult.”
Sheen later told TMZ that he “violently hates” Lorre and also wants to fight him in an Octagon ring.
Crazy has taken on a whole new dimension.
Sheen also stated, “I’ve got poetry in my fingertips.”
WTF does that even mean?
Well, it seems to mean that CBS is officially planning on cancelling A Man, A Half A Man, and A Raging Drug Addict.
Which, according to Charlie, would be just fine, because he says HBO wants him for a show on the cable network, and will pay him $5 million an episode.
That’s a lot of whores and cocaine!
He said his new HBO show would be called ‘Sheen’s Corner’, and added, “I’m close to securing a deal with HBO for a 10 show guarantee. It will be epic, all types of guests and we will focus on the truth and the absurd!”
HBO, at first had no comment, but now say they will not be working with Charlie Sheen.
Wow, enough Charlie, because that is some scary shiz.
Howsabout a little Lindsay? M’kay?
Judge Keith Schwartz left little doubt in court this week: Lohan is “going to jail” if she averts a trial and accepts a plea deal.
A friend pf Lindsay’s–and by friend, i mean her getaway driver–says, “I’m not sure if she can survive this. She is so terrified and frightened that we all fear her addictions will kick in again to help her numb the fear.”
The deputy DA tried to cut a deal with Lindsay’s lawyer, offering her eight months in jail and probation, but the offer was rejected because Lindsay won’t accept hard time.
On March 10, the wacktress will again be in court and will have to decide if she’s taking a deal and pleading guilty, or moving closer to an actual trial.
Now, Lindsay is said to be rethinking prison time.
And all because the wacktress starred in a movie unbeknownst to her.
it’s called “Surveillance Video.” And it shows that a male friend Lohan’s ALLEGEDLY “distracted the clerk” while Lohan put on the necklace in question. The saleswoman says she was unaware that Lohan had not taken off the necklace, which was later reported stolen, before leaving the store.
Uh oh, Lindsay. I know you were hoping to get back into the movies, but I don’t think you wanted to star in your own short film.
Er, Uh Oh.
While Rosie O’Donnell has just split from her girlfriend of over a year, the former Queen Of Nice has another relationship problem to deal with.
The Big O.
it’s the Queen Of Nice versus The Queen of Cakes.
An insider at O’s network, OWN–and by insider we all know I mean Gayle–says, “Oprah and Rosie have not been seeing eye to eye on the tone of Rosie’s new show. Oprah sees it as a friendly daytime talk show where viewers get to spend an hour with the old Rosie they used to love. Rosie, on the other hand, thinks the show should be more political and a place where she can express her liberal views.”
Now O has admitted that she took Rosie aside and told her that she “better behave” on OWN. In fact, O took her warnings to Ro’s house: “Rosie said, ‘I know you’re here to assess how crazy I am.’ I said, ‘Basically, yes. I’m doing a crazy check.'”
The check, however, doesn’t appear to have been thorough enough, with Rosie already annoying Oprah by resisting her pick for executive producer.
Gayle–while muddle this up by calling her a source–says, “The two are disagreeing over staff. Oprah wants Rosie to use an executive producer that she knows and trusts while Rosie insists she be able to pick her own, fearing whoever Oprah picks will be a spy. It’s a bad way to start off, considering they haven’t even taped a single show yet.”
It might get ugly when these behemoths get into a battle!