>This Is What Crazy Looks Like And Sounds Like

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>I Ain’t One To Gossip, But……………..

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Neal McDonough is beautiful.

That’s why he gets the big pic at the top. Baby blues for days; that Anderson Cooperish silver foxiness.

Well, now comes word that he was replaced in a new ABC drama Scoundrels because he refused to have TV sex with Virginia Madsen, his costar.
Apparently, McDonough, who formerly played crazy on Desperate Housewives and lawyer on Boomtown balked when it came time to fake-make passionate love with Madsen because it conflicted with his deeply-held Catholic views.

ABC isn’t saying a word, and McDonough is also silent, though folks say it wasn’t just the sex scenes McDonough didn’t like. He wouldn’t even kiss Madsen. Hell, I’d kiss her!

Though……………….I’d rather, yeah, you know, him.
McDonough, married and the father of three, reportedly didn’t make his religious convictions clear with show producers before the shoot, although it seemed common knowledge that, for the same religious reasons, he refused love scenes with Nicolette Sheridan on Housewives, and he abstained from sexiness in Boomtown and films such as Minority Report and Walking Tall.
McDonough stands to lose around $1 million for the firing. Like I said, I’d kiss Madsen, and for a lot less than a mil. McDonough has been replaced by David James Elliott.

He’s hot, too, and doesn’t mind a little TV nookie now and again.

On the Charlie Sheen front, People magazine, that bastion of hardhitting reporting, says that after months of arrests, bad press and more rehab, Charlie Sheen is allegedly looking for a way out of Two and a Half Men.

Sheen has been quietly telling friends, and People, that he’s not coming back to the show; he has already scrapped filming of the last two episodes this season. CBS is reportedly looking for someone to replace him, searching rehab facilities, AA meetings, and jail cells for just the right guy.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Howard Stern said recently that Gabourey Sidibe, star of Precious: Based On The Novel Push By Sapphire, wouldn’t work again in Hollywood because she’s too fat. He even went so far as to say she was committing slow suicide because of her weight.

Well, Howard, asshat, Gabby has the last laugh.

Rumor has it that Sidibe is going to be hosting an upcoming episode of Saturday Night Live! No word on when she’ll appear, but it seems to be a done deal.

But SNL isn’t the only job Gabby’s taken after her recent Oscar nomination. She has a recurring role on Showtime’s upcoming The Big C, about a teacher, played by Laura Linney, living with cancer. Gabby will be one of her sassy students.

So, um, Howard? Shaddup.

Kelsey Grammer was recently sued because a man claims his ideas for his own screenplay were stolen and used in Grammer’s 2008 film, Swing Vote.

I know, I’ve never heard of it either.

But Bradley Blakeman alleged that he gave a copy of his script Go November to Grammer in 2006 and was surprised to see him in Swing Vote which was “extraordinary similar” to his own film idea.

Names were called.

Penises were measured.

Feet were stomped.

And a lawsuit came about.

And now, Kelsey Grammer has ended that lawsuit by paying Blakeman ten bucks in settlement.

Ten.Dollars.

It was just enough to cover the cost of the ticket he purchased to see Swing Vote.

Both parties are happy with the result.

What do big TV stars do when their bread-and-butter gets cancelled?

If you’re Jim Belushi, former star of TVs According To Jim….I know, I never saw it either….you could have affiars with multiple women and then enter sex rehab.

Or, you cause an uproar on a plane.

I mean, what better way to keep your hasbeen name in the press?

Belushi was on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Las Vegas and decided he needed to nap during the 40 minute flight. But one of those pesky flight attendants woke him up, and Belushi, apparently grouchy after a nap, caused a scene forcing the captain to radio ahead to Vegas to have the police waiting when they landed.

The police decided that no crime was committed so Jim Belushi…..I’m Jim Belushi Dammit….was able to get into Vegas and raise all sorts of ex-TV star racket.

I guess whatever happens on a plane to Vegas stays on a plane to Vegas.

It seemed like only a week ago that Kim Zolciak, one of the crazies from The Real Housewives Of Atlanta, was declaring that she was involved in a relationship with a woman, DJ Tracy Young.

Now. It’s over.

Those lesbians, and the lesbian wannabes don’t waste any time.

It seems that Young was miffed because Zolciak couldn’t-wouldn’t-shouldn’t-didn’t-can’t-won’t commit to her and that Zolciak keeps running back to her Pimp Daddy, Big Poppa, Lee Najjar.

While Young may have had a bigger strap-on, Najaar has a bigger wallet.

And Zolciak is all about the wallet.

And, here’s more from inane Kim Zolciak.

She wants to declare herself Team Bullock.

She’s never met Sandra Bullock, but the Real Housewives of Atlanta whore Zolciak has declared herself 100% on Sandra’s side, and wants Bullock to punish Jesse James for his alleged infidelities.

Kim says: “She should cut his whole package off. Light it like a fire cracker and blow it off.”
Wow! Wonder how Kim would have felt if her Pimp Daddy, Big Poppa’s wife had castrated him when he was screwing around with Zolciak while he was married to another.

She might have stayed longer at the strap-on.

The Hair and The Dyke are at it again.

Donald Trump is wasting no time jumping back on the “Rosie O’Donnell is fill in the blank” wagon once news came out that she’ll be heading back to TV once Oprah is gone.

First, let’s take a moment and rejoice in the fact that, yes, Oprah will be gone.

Now, back to The Hair and The Dyke.

Trump says: “She’s a loser. Her other shows didn’t do well, this one won’t do well. Everything she touches is a failure, she’s a failure.”
Everything, Donald? The View failed? Her first talk-show failed?

Maybe your hair is too tight and you just forgot.

Maybe you have a thing for loudmouthed lesbians.

Yeah, that’s probably it.

>Oops….I Didn’t Mean What I Just Said I Meant

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Yesterday I said that Secretary of the Army, John McHiguh, in interviewing gay soldiers about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, would not discharge anyone under that policy for coming out to him in the course of his investigation.

McHugh has now changed his mind.

John McHugh: “Yesterday, in response to a series of questions from reporters regarding “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”, I made several statements that require further comment.

First, while President Obama has asked Congress to repeal “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”, it is and remains the law of the land…

Second, I was incorrect when I stated that Secretary Gates had placed a moratorium on discharges of homosexual service-members. There is no moratorium of the law and neither Secretary Gates nor I would support one.
Third, with regard to the three soldiers who shared their views and thoughts with me on “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”, I might better have counseled them that statements about their sexual orientation could not be treated as confidential and could result in their separation under the law.”

Now McHugh says he’ll use a third party to interview soldiers so he won’t be conflicted over discharging people for being gay:
“The working group is likely to utilize a third party from outside of the department to solicit these views so soldiers can speak candidly and without fear of separation. I urge every soldier to share his or her views and suggestions on this important issue through this channel. This is the appropriate way to do so.”

No, sir, the appropriate way to do so is to instantly repeal DADT and apologize to every gay man and woman affected by this decades long institution of discrimination.

>The Devil Makes ‘Em Do It

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Noted Italian exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth, has announced that the recent defamatory reporting on Pope Benedict XVI, especially by the New York Times, was “prompted by the devil.”

And not, I repeat not, by his aiding and abetting a child molester in Germany.
Amorth says the, ahem attacks on the ope are Satan-motivated because “he is a marvelous Pope and worthy successor to John Paul II, it is clear that the devil wants to ‘grab hold’ of him.”

And probably thank him for helping out.

of course, Amorth says that the devil reaches out to priests and uses them in order to cast blamer on the entire church; he goes on to say, “The devil wants the death of the Church because she is the mother of all the saints.”

Of, it’s the mother of something, all right, but I doubt it’s very saintly.

The Catholic just this week, through it’s spokespeople and it’s exorcists, have blamed the gay community and Satan for the pedophiles in their midst. In fact, they blame everyone but themselves.

>PR7EP11: One Day You’re In, The Next Day You’re Out…The Next Day You’re In Again

>After the last challenge, in which the designers heard phrases like Disco Straitjacket, Utter Catastrophe, Mexican Serape Gay Pride Flag, they wake up feeling a little morose. That’s what happens after being attacked by the USS Klum, and Battleship Garcia. But the designtestants rally, because there’s 100K at stake.
The challenge this week, according to Heidi, is to design a Red Carpet Dress for a Diva-Bitch-On-Wheels. or as Heidi said, an opinionated celebrity.
Po-Tay-Toe.
Po-Tah-Toe.
Of course, it turns out that the Diva-Bi…..the opinionated celebrity is one Miss Heidi Klum herself, though the design will be sans baby bump. The designers get 300 big ones and are all excited to be working for Heidi.
Well, they aren’t all excited. Maya decides she can no longer compete because, well, she’s too young, and it’s too hard, and she doesn’t know herself. I think she’s afraid to get browbeaten by Amazon Klum if her design is less than, and I think her excuses are a cop-out because, while the judges have said Maya “references” other designers in her work, she beat out ten other designtestants and, correct me if I’m wrong, has never been Bottom Three. I think she was miffed she hadn’t won a challenge and wanted to pack her needles and go.
All the designers feel bad for her, and wish her well, as she crawls away from the show, except for Emilio, who went from being nice and a fabulous designer, to being snarky and a fabulous designer, to being outright mean about Maya leaving and a fabulous designer. SethAaron stood up for Maya, basically telling the viewing audience to eff off because we have no idea how hard it is to be there. Um, okay.
Now, of course, the sadness doesn’t hold for long because Tim returns to the workroom to bring back another designer to replace Maya. The door opens, and in walks my favorite Rainbow Flag of Song Dance and Witty Repartee, Big Gay Anthony. The lights in the workroom swell and angels sing.
Until some of those designs walk the runway, and the angels weep.
Let’s rip:

Jonathan wanted to do one of his patented–read: tired–techniques of the “cut-out,” in which he layers fabric and sews them together and then, yes, cuts out pieces to reveal the fabric beneath. Heidi takes one look at his idea, declares it the dreaded drape fabric, and Jonathan crumbles. Defeated, he loses the drape fabric he so meticulously sewed and cut, and creates a dress of, oddly enough, draping. But then that doesn’t work and he scraps that, leaving himself scraps of fabric that he sews glues staples licks and wishes into this mishmash.
After last weeks utter catastrophe, Jonathan once again misses the mark.
He’s Auf’d.

JayNicholas likes texture. He likes to create texture on a woman’s ass so she looks like a parade float. Heidi sees his design and warns him that women don’t want to wear a dress that gives them a large butt, and he says he’ll rethink it, and doesn’t.
This fluttering Big Assed Dress was beautifully made from the waist up, but the ruffles have too many ridges and make the model look like she buffeted on chips, chips, and chips.
JayNicholas made the big No-No of disobeying a direct Klum Kommand, but he gets a pass.

Mila doesn’t do Red Carpet. Which is obvious by this mess. She does do colorblocking. Which is obvious, again, by this mess. All the designers were given a Heidi Dossier of Klum in her Red Carpet finery and not one thing Heidi has worn has ever looked so blah. Heidi is all about drama and curves and sex without being slutty.
This dress is less Red Carpet and more Vacuuming The Red Carpet. I mean, put a little bolero jacket and a nametag on it, and you have the maid’s uniform from the W hotel.
Since Mila has been good before, she gets a pass, but this is the second time in two weeks when she’s faltered. I think she needs a color blockade.

SethAaron forgot about Heidi in the Heidi Challenge. He went all SethAaron and created a dress Nina said was perfect for a funeral. Seriously, Nina? I’d like to see the funeral where a woman wears a strappy black ball gown; it sounds like a party.
But SethAaron’s dress is sad, and dowdy and not at all Heidi. It’s not even rocker SethAaron.
Basic Black is sometimes Basic Boring.
But this week it’s safe.

My Emilio love is over. He’s a very good designer as evidenced by this week’s Co-Winning Design, but he is quite full of himself. I want to push him off his Singer Sewing Machine pedestal next week because, as his design walked the runway, his voice was an orgasmic testimony to his talent. It’s fantastic! It moves! It’s Heidi! It’s the best dress EVER!
It’s very nice. Very nice. And it’s impeccably crafted with bones, or boning, or something. Or maybe it was just that Emilio got a boner watching it glide down the runway.
He’s good, but he’s gonna need some help carrying his big fat ego-bloated head off the runway if he wins again.
Co-winner.

Anthony. My Big Gay Rainbow of Joy returned, and stopped all his little cocktail dress nonsense and gave Heidi sexy and flowy and Red Carpet. He kept it simple; basic black and white. But it has the cleavage shots that Heidi loves; it has the leg shot that Nina loved; it was the full-on perfect dress for guest judge Jessica Alba. And even The Korange wanted to wear it. It was a win, win, win, win for Anthony.
And he nearly wet himself.
Anthony’s back. Anthony won. We have health care reform. It’s all good.

So, to recap. When Heidi asks you to create a sexy Red Carpet dress for her, and then gives you a dossier of outfits she’s worn on The Rug….Follow.That.Lead. She wants sex and boobs and flowy and curvy. She doesn’t want mishmashed-big-assed-maid’s-dresses-for-a-funeral.
Get a clue, or she’ll go all Klum on your ass.

Fashion Assassin. Out.

>I Didn’t Say It

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The reviews are in on Mylie Cyrus’ new movie, The Last Song, and, well, she ought to rethink quitting her day job:

The New York Times:
“Acting, for the moment at least, seems almost entirely beyond her…she pouts, slouches, storms in and out of rooms and occasionally cracks a snaggle-toothed smile, but most of the time she seems to be mugging for the camera, play-acting rather than exploring the motives and feelings of her character.”
The New York Post:
“Cyrus makes the most dubious ‘dramatic’ debut of any singer since Britney Spears.”
The Village Voice:
“I can’t recall ever squirming as much as I did during Ronnie and Will’s first kiss; shiny, buff Liam Hemsworth looks like he’s locking lips with an Andy Hardy–era Mickey Rooney in a wig.”

Cheyenne Jackson, on growing up in Idaho, bondage, his first crush, and his formative gay years:

“I’m not really a bondage, tie-up kind of guy, but every time that Valentine’s Day Popeye cartoon would come on, the one where he ties Bluto up, it would make me feel weird in my stomach…When I was 13 and in eighth grade, I was obsessed with my best friend. I was in love with him. He had blond curly hair and he was a Mormon. I just thought I wanted to kiss him all the time, so I thought ‘Hey, I’m totally gay.’”

Iowa Gov. Chet Culver, congratulating the state legislature for refusing to consider a constitutional amendment overturning same-sex marriage, on the one year anniversary of marriage equality in Iowa:
“We stood firm for the civil rights of every Iowan by saying loudly and clearly that any and all efforts to add discriminatory amendments to our state constitution have no place in our state constitution. Regardless of our personal views, we have a line that needs to be drawn between the executive branch and the judicial branch and I think Iowans are ready to move on and accept that unanimous decision.”

Gerard Butler, on his best asset:

“I love to show my rear-end in roles. I’m thinking it’s becoming a bit of a habit, a bit of a tradition that I have to show my a– in every movie that I can. No, actually it was always a great moment and it speaks volumes about this character. So if there is a scene where I have to drop my drawers and I think there is a genius reason behind it, I’m ready. If I have to bare my a– again in future films, then so be it.”

Jon Bon Jovi on aging in rock’n’roll:

“I find it hard to believe I’m 47 already, because I still feel like 18. I don’t plan on being the next Mick Jagger and to keep on going till my late 60s. But at the moment I don’t see a reason why I should stop.”

Ben Stiller, on who he wanted to be when he became an actor:

“I wanted to be like an Al Pacino/Robert Deniro guy, because I loved those movies growing up. But that just wasn’t in the cards.”

>Can The Pope Resign?

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With the ongoing scandal that is the Catholic Church getting bigger and more lurid everyday, there is talk of the Pope resigning. Each day there are new revelations of abuses by church officials to cover up and protect pedophiles, including the news that the current Pope, while a cardinal, aided a pedophile priest into therapy, and then reassigned him to another parish where he began molesting young boys again.

Ireland. Germany. Australia, The US. All sites of new cases of child molestation brought against a church which still seeks to pride itself on protecting children and hating the LGBT community. Many are calling this scandal the Catholic church’s Watergate, and wonder if the Pope will take the same route Nixon did in the 1970s and leave his position. So, with all this mess, people wonder if the Pope should resign; and can he, if he wanted to do so?

Well, as things stand now, and under almost any imaginable scenario, Pope Benedict–aka Benedict Arnold to the children of the church–is not about to resign. The scandal the church currently faces would be nothing compared to the scandal of a pope quitting.

But it has been done before. The last time a papal resignation occurred was during the Great Western Schism in the late 1500s and early 1600s when Pope Gregory XII issued his resignation at the Council of Constance through his delegates. The council deposed the two other rival popes, allowing for the election of a single, legitimate pope.

Before that, in 1294, there was an old Italian hermit who had been elected and named Pope Celestine V against his will. Celestine issued just two major decrees: the first provided for the abdication of a pope, and the second provided him the right to abdicate,

So, you see, it’s been at least 500 years since a pope called it quits. And today, for a variety of bureaucratic reasons, it is next to impossible for a Pope to resign. The Catholic church’s Code of Canon Law states–and if it sounds like gibberish, it is–that: “[i]f it happens that the Roman Pontiff resigns his office, it is required for validity that the resignation is made freely and properly manifested but not that it is accepted by anyone.”

Not accepted by anyone? Huh?

So, the Pope can resign, because it’s been done before, but the church’s own codes make it nearly impossible for him to do so.

I mean, it isn’t like he’s Sarah Palin or anything.

>Phoebe Price

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In case you aren’t following, or haven’t heard, the story of Phoebe Price, here it is:

Phoebe Price was the “new girl” at South Hadley High School in Massachusetts, and, for being the “new girl” she was mercilessly tormented by a group of her fellow classmates until she finally could no longer stand the abuse and killed herself.

These students who tortured this girl, who were later dubbed the “Mean Girls” by Massachusetts newspapers, would call Phoebe Price “Irish slut” or “whore” on Twitter, Craigslist, Facebook and other “networking” sites. At school, though, her books were routinely knocked out of her hands as she walked the halls; people threw things at her; her face was scribbled out of photographs on the school walls; threatening text messages were sent to her cell phone.

Apparently, all this hatred at Phoebe Price was because she made the mistake of briefly dating a popular senior football player in her first freshman weeks at the school.

And now, she’s dead.

On January 14th, after another day of hell in school, where Phoebe Price was harassed and threatened in the school library and in a hallway, she walked home. One of the “Mean Girls” drove by and threw a can of Red Bull at her. And probably laughed as she sped off.

Phoebe hung herself in a stairwell of her home.

An awful end, perhaps, except it didn’t end there. Those bitches who tortured this girl posted vicious comments on the Phoebe Pince’s Facebook memorial page. Even in death, Phoebe Price was taunted and bullied.

Nine students–seven of them girls–have been indicted on charges ranging from criminal harassment to stalking to civil rights violations. One little bitch–and you might think me mean by calling her that…you might think it bullying,…but that’s what they are–was charged with assault with a dangerous–the Red Bull can. Two lovely young boys were charged with statutory rape.

Awful. Right?

Terrible, how hateful kids can be. Right?

Where do they learn these things?

Well, my guess would be, at home.

See, the mother of one of those nine bitches and rapists is defending her daughter, saying she might have said mean thing to Phoebe Price, but Phoebe Price was no innocent girl. Well, maybe Phoebe Price wasn’t a nice girl; who knows. But she can’t speak for herself, now, can she?

Angeles Chanon says Phoebe Price called her daughter, Sharon Chanon Velazquez, names, as well. Sharon is charged with stalking and violation of civil rights resulting in bodily injury. Angeles Chanon goes on to say, in her infinite wisdom, “They’re teenagers. They call names.”
And a girl dies.

Angeles Chanon says her daughter cried the day she was indicted. really? How sad. But, and I’m guessing here, Sharon Chanon Velazquez didn’t cry at all when Phoebe Price was pushed and shoved and called a whore; and Sharon Chanon Velazquez didn’t cry when someone threw something at Phoebe Price, and I’m sure as hell positive Sharon Chanon Velazquez didn’t cry when she heard the news that Phoebe Price hanged herself rather than face one more day at school.

So cry now, Sharon Chanon Velazquez. And let your mother defend you.

At least you’re still alive so she can.

>John McHugh Stands with Dan Choi

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All sorts of folks were in an uproar last month when Dan Choi chained himself to the White House fence–and was subsequently arrested–to protest Don’t Ask, Don’t. I, however, understood his frustration, and the idea that, when you spend years asking politely for something, and are told that it’s being taken care, but a year goes by and you ask again and receive the same response and then you elect a man who says one of the first things he’ll do is scrap that whole anti-gay discriminatory policy, and then it gets pushed back again, well, I understand the What The Fuck attitude.

A similar, and no less bold, What The Fuck attitude is being offered up by the secretary of the Army, John McHugh, who said yesterday that he was effectively ignoring DADT because he had no intention of pursuing discharges of active-duty service members who have publicly come out.

It’s a figurative chaining of oneself to the fence.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced revised standards about DADT discharges last week, saying he would make it harder for the military to discharge service members whose sexual orientation is revealed by third parties. That’s a small step, but it wasn’t enough for John McHugh, who said it made no sense to pursue discharges of service members as he speaks with them about the change in policy.

People said that Dan Choi may have ruined his chances of being reinstated in the military with his protest and arrest, but sometimes, you get so tired of being told No that you have to do something drastic. And John McHugh is doing the same by blatantly ignoring the law.

Two heroes; two different methods; hopefully the same result.

The end of DADT.

>Poor Little Donny Dwyer

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Okay, first up, a little geography lesson. Maryland, as you may know, is what I like to call Washington DC-adjacent, and a lot of folks who live in Maryland work in DC and, perhaps, vice versa. So, when Washington DC granted equality to all it’s citizenry….Yay!….the Attorney General in Maryland decided that same-sex marriages performed in other places should be recognized in Maryland.

But, a Republican, of course, one Don Dwyer, didn’t like the idea, because, you know, equality, like health care, is not one of the planks in the Republican platform like, say, war. So, Donny decided he would try to get Maryland’s AG, Democrat Doug Gansler, impeached, and he went around stomping his feet and carrying badly misspelled signage as the Republicans are apt to do.

Well, yesterday, a committee soundly rejected Dwyer’s resolution to impeach Gansler, because, well, it was a stupid waste of time. The vote, 14-6, though, still irks Little Don Dwyer because he whined that the entire House should vote on the resolution. But the House didn’t bow down to Don Dwyer’s tantrum and decided his little issue with Gansler should be referred to the House Judiciary Committee; in fact, the vote by the House to not vote on Dwyer’s impeachment nonsense, won by a margin of 101-39.

Smacked down twice in one day. Poor Don Dwyer.