>It’s all about the tots this week on runway. The designtestants, most of whom don’t like children unless they’re deep fried and served with a side of ranch dressing, are ordered to create for the wee set. There are timeouts and tantrums, foot stomps and sass, crying jags and back talk, things are thrown to the ground in a huff; then the children arrive.
The designers set out to create kids wear; some go all fashionista on the kids; some go all princess; and some go to the mall. Janeane, honey?
Of course, it wouldn’t be PR without Tim Gunn and his wrench throwing. The designers must also create a co-ordinating outfit for their model to wear down the runway, and Please, Tim begs–actually, Tim would bessech–don’t go Mommy and me.
Let’s Rip:
Up first is Mila. Someone apparently slipped a human pill into her morning mug’o’blood because Mila is friendly, and laughing, and joking; and making fun of the fact that all she does is color block. She’s a One Trick Pony; she’s a Horse Of A Different Color Blocking. I could only come up with two.
But, about the outfits. The little girl dress is cute, and current, and fun. And then Mommy Model gets the same silhouette, but in basic black and white. It’s chic! It’s A-line! It’s now, but it’s retro! It’s color blocking! It’s Mila!!!
It’s middle-of-the-pack.
And here we have Mini-Mila-Maya’s Mini-Model and Mommy-Model. So many M’s, so little time. The yellow reminds me of rain slickers that the nerds wore to school, and No, I didn’t have one! The Mini looks cute, but seriously designers, enough with the leggings on kids. Some of ’em like pants, you know. Still, it’s age appropriate and the girl is smiling. Or is she on a sugar high? Speaking of high; the model looks a little crack whore on the way home from making a buy. That cropped yellow jacket screams, I’m naked under here! And the pants will untie in a cinch in the back of a Dodge Dart parked in an alley somewhere.
It’s scary, but it’s safe.
Emilio. I’m loving Emilio’s clothes; and I’m loving the fact that he does a bit of smack talk about the other designers. I am not, however, loving the Mini-Me Princess gown. It’s a little too Baptismal Dismal; I wanted to drown it in water; No! Not the little girl. Just the dress. I do have a heart….in a jar…..on a shelf…..in a closet. But enough about me. Mommy Model looks fantastic. She’s a complete MILF and I would never. NEVER! Homo don’t swing that way. But the dress is wonderful. Classy. Elegant. Sexy.
Safe.
Ben slipped back into Unknown Designer territory after his mini-triumph of last week. This is Blibbety Blah Blay Blue Boring. The girl’s dress is limp and dull as Mila’s hair; and it’s too long. Did Ben not get the memo that toddlers are into slut-wear this season? It looks tablecloth at a gay wedding…..which is funny because gays can’t have weddings. And Mommy doesn’t match at all. Those two don’t go together whatsoever. It makes me think that the Mommy Model snuck into PR HQ and is trying to kidnap a little model. I’ll sent out an Amber Alert, though Amber is so last year. Let’s do a Cerise Alert!
Ben is safe. Ben who?
Anthony is continuing his march out of the 1800s with these two designs. The little girl is a princess–take note Emilio–but doesn’t look old-fashioned. It’s neither too short nor too long. It’s a cute party dress. Fun Flowered Frock-ish. And speaking of party dresses: Hellooooooooo Mommie’s boobies! Anthony figured if the girl could look cute, mommy could look hot. These are party dresses; classmate birthday for the wee one; and Key Party for mommy.
Safe!
Jonathan decided to go all avant-garde chic for the challenge and, well, it’s a miss. Not a Junior Miss, but a regular old miss. The tiny tot is wearing a bolero jacket and even she knows bolero jackets are sooooo Aught-Five. Plus, as she was quick to point out to the judges while she kicked Jonathan in the shins, the jacket digs into her skin. I know how she feels; it gouged a little hole in my cornea, too. And then we have mommy, who had lunch at Le Cirque and decided to have a little afternoon delight with a busboy in the Men’s Room. Unfortunately, her designer frock was stolen after she so casually tossed it under a urinal and she is forced to make do with a toilet paper dress. It doesn’t scream Mommy and Me as much as it screams Mommy is a whore.
Jonathan is Bottom Three but safe. perhaps because of his fabulous Michael Kors impression.
Amy went Kitchen Sink Designer. Take everything you have and throw it on the girl and see if it looks like something she’d wear. It doesn’t. Scarf. Sweater, Two shirts. Ruffled Skirt. Leggings. It says I’m a homeless child and these are the only clothes I have. Mommy, however, ran away to join the circus as the Half-Fish-Half-Woman Freakshow. I mean, unlike the judges who didn’t like the color, I do think you can make blue and orange work. But not when you fish scale ’em and put ’em on a freakin’ pair of Capri pants. Capri’s?!?!? They went out with Laura Petrie in the 1960s!
I thought this Homeless Freak Show would go, but they got a pass.
Of course, they’d get a pass when put up against this mess. Janeane, who was soundly drubbed last week for her Heidi-Would-Cut-A-Bitch-Before-She’d-Wear-That outfit, decided to play it safe. And, well, ugly. That poor little girl’s face says it all: Why am I dressed like a pumpkin? I mean, Let’s get real. It’s an orange tarp tossed on a girl with those god-awful leggings! And then, Mommy Model gets the same Black-White-Orange mess. The jacket looks like a Home Ec project from a School For The Blind. I’m reminded of that scene in Mask–starring CHER!–where Eric Stoltz is showing blind girl Laura Dern about colors. A hot rock is red! A cold rock is blue! Cotton balls are clouds. And he hands her this dress and says, This is ugly! And she gets it.
Janeane had two bad weeks where the judges simply did not get her aesthetic. They hated her designs.
Auf you go, Janeane.
JayNicholas actually made two outfits that look like they belong together but don’t look like the Garanimals Mommy and Me Collection. I mean:
Who’s the man who dresses a young girl in plums and blacks?
Jay Nicholas, that’s who!
And who’s the man who doesn’t give the girl a pair of leggings?
Jay Nicholas.
That Jay Nicholas is one bad mother fu…Shut yo mouth!
I’m talkin’ ’bout Jay Nicholas!
I so love a musical interlude, but back to business.
The young girl looks fun and flirty and then he gives mommy fun and flirty, too. Although the Mini Model’s fun and flirty might get her half a PB&J at lunch, while Model Mommy’s fun and flirty will get her a roll in the hay.
Top Two Jay.
Jesse took us to France for his inspiration. Some French schoolgirl before she becomes the naughty French schoolgirl. He did an asymmetrical thing on the dress which, at first, makes it look like the dress doesn’t fit, but it works. And the tres chic coat. Magnifique! As for Model Mommy, well, Enchanté Mademoiselle. She’s look hot French mommy. The girl is cute and trendy and, yes, I’ll say it, fashion forward, while Model Mommy looks sleek and sexy.
I would have given Jesse the win, but he goes Top Two! Top Two!
Take that Mila.
The dual-monikered SethAaron takes home the Golden Bobbin this week, and he deserved it. His two outfits look like they don’t go together except for when you see them together. The Mini Model is cute and fun, and he made a purse. She loved the purse. And he threw in some pink with the black-and-white. All girls love pink. Unless you’re a Model Mommy who wants fitted and cropped and sexy. With a wee hint of danger. Drop the kid off at school, slip into a pleather mini and some thigh-high-boots and you’re good to go.
Versatility people.
So, that was Mini Model and Model Mommy Week. I liked how some of the desgntestants had no clue as to what to do for kids but came through. And, I think it’s telling how many of them made sexy clothes for the Model Mommies so they can go home and do the nasty with Model Daddies and have more and more Mini Models.
I’d hate to see Models go the way of the Spotted Owl.
For the full-on recap, as usual, head over to DavidDust for some fabulosity.
Fashion Assassin. Out.
I Should Be Laughing 